Our cerebral decision to be leaner.

http://www.nytimes.com/2009/04/01/opinion/01dowd.html?_r=1&ref=opinion

Trip to the zoo

love:

Before I roll over and collapse on you again.

This is when we're nameless and bodyless, post-dreaming and pre-verbal. This is when thoughts are barely thoughts, they can't see out and don't know they're attached or even that they're supposed to be attached, like an arm. They have surface tension, solidifying and starting to grow lips to part mouths. Suck air.

Last night I dreamt my brain was my face, flattened out beneath my skin. The doctors said something was terribly wrong with my thoughts and the structure of my face had to be surgically altered. It was a life or death situation, they had to, but the procedure was very dangerous. When I woke up they unwrapped the gauze and it wasn't bloody at all. It didn't hurt and Thank God I was alive! They handed me a mirror and I stared at the reflection of a distant cousin on my father's side whom I'd never met. Or I suppose it was that photo that he took, the one in black and white with the porcelain skin and the expression I didn't know I could make.

Shine a light into her eye to see if the pupil constricts, we're worried about brain injury.

They're saying on the news that they're worried about coyotes in the area, I can hear it through the walls like I can smell the coffee through the walls. The coyotes are our intruders, they'll break through our windows and gnaw on our garbage and pets and organs. I can't see her but I can picture how the newscaster furrows the skin around her eyes, emphasizing: Oh! kahy-OH-tees! She is very concerned.

I worry a little about opening my eyes and finally knowing that my parts belong to me. There's that split second right after that decision is made when the muscles finally have life again to pull the magnetized eyelids apart but they can't right away because it's difficult, they were meant for each other, meant to be pressed together. And in that moment it's hard not to wonder if you're the only one who exists in the world because it has mostly or partially or fully been destroyed. It's hard not to wonder if you'll wake to warmth in that permanent imprint that parallels your figure, the one carved out by so many bodies that have since disintegrated into ghosts. If he's there he can protect me from the coyotes. If he's not they could maul and crack my porcelain face. I'm very concerned.

Shine a light between her legs, we're worried she's histrionic. We're worried about her marked tendency to act unexpectedly without consideration of the consequences.

Last night I dreamt I was happy and deeply kissing a beautiful woman. Fingers explored hot necks and scalps, mountain campfire stench. Her tongue was still in my mouth as she changed into a man. We kept kissing and I realized simply that I'd been mistaken. She'd been a man all along! How could I not have seen this? I pulled away and stared at his jawline and laughed because my mind plays such clever tricks on itself. I laughed harder and he laughed, that grunt laugh that happens when all the air comes up really fast from underneath the diaphragm. I laughed so hard I couldn't breathe and then I woke up still laughing.

Advance the clocks.

1. I am emotionally involved with Secret Diary of a Call Girl. Have you seen this??? It's sexy and incredible. It makes me want to wear lingerie all day long. Come to think of it, I should have done that today. Instead I wore oversized Colorado sweatpants and a camoflage Lucero t-shirt. Almost as sexy. Almost.

2. In celebration of Saving the Daylight, I bought a pretty flowery dress with buttons and a coral colored ribbon that ties into a bow (a major deviation from my typical achromatic attire). It makes me feel a little Pollyanna-ish, but I like it. Life is pretty great right now, so why not? It's kinda nice to reflect some light from time to time. (Did I really just write that??? Who am I...?) Actually, I should have known this life up-swing was coming. A couple weeks ago, I was walking in Philly and I desperately had to pee so I ran into a Borders and saw this in the bathroom stall:



At that precise moment, I happened to be walking back to my friend's place after finishing my final grad school interview. I was a little weighed down by some major/stressful life decisions, so it was comforting to see this little graffiti omen. Btw, I'm really glad my New Year's resolution was to start listening to the universe, it really seems to be paying off.

3. I've been telling anyone and everyone that I'm getting my Ph.D. See, I'm doing it again. Seriously though, I find ways to inject it into conversation as early as possible. I've even taken to saying it in an overly-modest-non-bragging-because-I'm-such-an-outstanding-human-being type of tone ("What do I do? Oh, you know, nothing much, I just got into grad school and I'm going to get my Ph.D...that sort of thing."). It's incredibly obnoxious and it needs to stop immediately. :)

Funniest thing ever..

I was at the gym today and the girl on the treadmill in front of me was wearing a t-shirt that said, "Be my DNA helicase and unzip my genes."

Ahahahahahahaha. Boston is a cesspool of scientists, I love it.

Quote

"The truth is, we know so little about life, we don't really know what the good news is and what the bad news is."

-K. Vonnegut

Magnetic Moment

This morning I was reading my book on the train and I got caught up in this sentence:

He called to her in a kind voice, and Tereza felt her soul rushing up to the surface through her blood vessels and pores to show itself to him.

Sometimes I forget that it's okay to be affected by this sort of thing, and sadly, I only reluctantly admitted to myself that I could relate to what the author described. When life gets serious and systematic, it's easy to discount the soul's capacity to saturate.

Once I believed in soul mates. I don't anymore, at least not in the traditional sense, but I can clearly remember the night that I thought I met mine. We held hands and silently stared, unabashedly prying each other open. I read his thoughts. He said, "You know when you just know somebody?" and I totally did. My soul flooded my eyeballs and I'm sure he saw it.

I heard on NPR yesterday that when they capture crocodiles in residential areas, they tape magnets to their heads while transferring them back to the wild. The crocs are disoriented by the magnetic forces, their navigational systems disrupted so they can't find their way back.

Deleted memories of a city

My friend sent me this presentation by Miru Kim, an artist in NYC who photographs herself naked in the derelict and forgotten crevices of the city. She explains how her fascination with dissecting animals and her previous attempt at a medical career inspired her to look at the city as an organismal entity.





You can see more of her stuff here:
http://www.mirukim.com/

(Thanks to Mike for the link.)

On Valentine's day I visited the birthplace of JFK

...then I cried in a corner alone. Just kidding!!! I didn't really. Well, not in so many words.



I did play third-wheel on a date with my roommate and her boyfriend (see above). We ate delicious crepes and discussed the Iran-Contra affair. Then we held hands and skipped.

Social Capital

I just read this post today - an entry by The Person who talked me into starting this blog in the first place, the same person who inspired the canny lack of capitalizition. So of course, I'm flattered by the shout-out.

Also.

It's interesting that this person, like me, decided to change his textual methodology. Knowing him as well as I do, I'd expect him to seriously ruminate over why I (a self-proclaimed semi-influential figure in his life) would decide to suddenly throw these dominant letters into my blog.* Then I think he'd analyze his own reasoning for never using THEM and start to wonder if a change was necessary and if his writing could benefit from some similar modification. He would consider all consequences of any potential actions. He would scrutinize the upper and lower cases while attempting to understand the true and secret meaning of this dichotomy and how it affects his existence. He would probably dream about it. In the end, he would never jump right in and get capital crazy (like me). Instead, he would make some subtle, tactical changes to the blog, just to juice up his stuff a little, but he would never make a complete u-turn and deviate from that original lower-cased constitution that is still very important to him and his being. Anyway, I'm 99% positive that this was the thought process that lead to the recent alteration in structure of hundred billion castaways. (Note: I've told him before that I always know what he's thinking. He knows I know, so it's okay.)

*The main reason for MY decision was pure boredom. Also, I feel that I can convey more emotion and rhythm by adding some strategic variations in letter height. Like an ECG.

I'm Going To Start Using Capital Letters Because I'm Tired Of Not Using Capital Letters.

I need a change. Bear with me.

an example of why my life nestles kinetically in a seemingly airtight container

ben gibbard is starring in the big-screen adaptation of david foster wallace's 'brief interviews with hideous men' (directed by john krasinski...weird). this is oddly coincidental because of two unrelated personal revelations. the first: although i had previously discounted death cab for cutie because of how much plans completely sucked, i decided to allow the band back into my heart because of their recent release, narrow stairs. i like it alright, and i'd even go as far to say that some songs ('cath...' in particular) are reminiscent of photo album, but that's a stretch. the second: after reading 'brief interviews' over christmas, i concluded that 1) the book probably made me think more than any other book i've read this year, 2) DFW really does live up to his hype, and 3) it's really a shame that he had to go and off himself, even though it probably poignantly contributed to the aforementioned #1.

so i guess it's pretty cool that one of my favorite musicians is going to play the lead in a movie made about this book that i love. i still haven't decided how they are possibly going to pull the whole thing off though. i wish john krasinski the best. oh, and another thing i should mention about ben gibbard is that he recently got engaged to my ultimate girl-crush of all time, zooey deschanel. i'm so jealous! of him, not her (i mean come on, she's totally hotter than he is). anyway, point is, this guy and i are definitely on the same universal wavelength.

seduction of the less-transient and less-resilient

i speak slow.

slower.

slower now. steady pitch, restrained inflection. to elongate my rubbery words i bite their ends and let gravity pull them from my teeth. my head assumes the sloping position for casting eyelid shadows. a sly contortion of neck swells the white that separates the grin of my iris and lower lashes. i gaze up at you from below, from inside your cage of ribs. from the very bottom of the pit of your stomach and up through your telescope throat. look at me. look. at. me. i see you, hello. i smile like i know something you don't. pressed-lip smile, all your secrets are in my cheekbones.