i'm terrible at halloween

memorable costumes,

ages 2, 3, and 4: since it was always cold in montana, my parents insisted on finding a costume that could fit OVER my winter coat. consequently, halloween evoked my earliest experiences of humiliation. i remember being a fat little bumble bee and a fat little penguin. ugh. i hated my parents for that.

age 5: i was batman. people kept calling me batgirl and i very vehemently corrected them ("no, i'm batMAN"). this was by far my best costume ever.

ages 10, 11, 12, and 13: vampire. every year. loved every second.

ages 14, 15, and 16: devil. every year. loved every second.

age 17: scarecrow. i'm still not sure why i thought this was a good idea. the costume was bulky and plaid and i stuffed myself with straw. this was quite possibly the least sexiest display i could've come up with, and it was right during that time when all the rest of my peers had figured out that halloween is really just an excuse to look slutty. shameful.

age 19: slutty fireman. ridiculous. seriously, the costume involved galoshes over red fishnets. i guess i still didn't fully understand the concept of 'sexy-ing it up'. also, that year i attended a couples party where you were supposed to match your date. my date was spongebob squarepants. yes, i know, this made no sense at all.